Back Again With Them New Vans

OK, so maybe not in a new van, but I am back to work tomorrow.

I went onto maternity leave on December 9th and I had hoped that my daughter would arrive between the 9th and the 17th, but she decided to make her debut on the 20th so its only been two and half weeks since I came home from the hospital. I'm not sure if it's just the timing of it, but I have very mixed feelings about working again.

Over these past two weeks I've been on a whirlwind of emotions. Between feelings of inadequacy when my baby wasn't gaining weight (because no on tells you that feeding guidelines should be taken purely as just suggestions) and a recent aversion for being around people, including everyone but my husband and baby, I've been struggling with anxiety of going back. I'm anxious to be away from my baby, anxious to be away from home, pumping and working, anxious to be around other people and having to talk to them, answering the same questions over and over, and anxious about the possibility of having an emotional breakdown in front of others.

Regardless of my feelings, I've made a commitment and I can't  complain too much because it's a very short day in the scheme of life, but it is signifying the end of my uninterrupted time at home. At the start of this I felt like I had so much time and now it's all gone and I didn't get anything done. All the plans that I had and I wasted my time doing who knows what. Even today, I had plans but found myself quite indisposed with fever and chills with what I believe was a brief mastitis infection.

I woke this morning and my breasts felt very sore, particularly my left side with an almost bruise like feel on outside towards the underside. While pumping helped to alleviate the engorged feel, I didn't start feeling better until after a hot shower. I wish I had been able to get a midday nap in because they say rest is key to getting better but the baby was very needy today and wouldn't let me put her down.