OK, so maybe not in a new van, but I am back to work tomorrow.
I went onto maternity leave on December 9th and I had hoped that my daughter would arrive between the 9th and the 17th, but she decided to make her debut on the 20th so its only been two and half weeks since I came home from the hospital. I'm not sure if it's just the timing of it, but I have very mixed feelings about working again.
Over these past two weeks I've been on a whirlwind of emotions. Between feelings of inadequacy when my baby wasn't gaining weight (because no on tells you that feeding guidelines should be taken purely as just suggestions) and a recent aversion for being around people, including everyone but my husband and baby, I've been struggling with anxiety of going back. I'm anxious to be away from my baby, anxious to be away from home, pumping and working, anxious to be around other people and having to talk to them, answering the same questions over and over, and anxious about the possibility of having an emotional breakdown in front of others.
Regardless of my feelings, I've made a commitment and I can't complain too much because it's a very short day in the scheme of life, but it is signifying the end of my uninterrupted time at home. At the start of this I felt like I had so much time and now it's all gone and I didn't get anything done. All the plans that I had and I wasted my time doing who knows what. Even today, I had plans but found myself quite indisposed with fever and chills with what I believe was a brief mastitis infection.
I woke this morning and my breasts felt very sore, particularly my left side with an almost bruise like feel on outside towards the underside. While pumping helped to alleviate the engorged feel, I didn't start feeling better until after a hot shower. I wish I had been able to get a midday nap in because they say rest is key to getting better but the baby was very needy today and wouldn't let me put her down.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
New Year, New Me
2019, here I come!
So, this year is starting off with a bang. Quite a great deal has happened in in the six years since my last post. In May of 2012 I was living with my parents, single and working a desk job. By the start of 2013 I had met, been camping with, and was headed on a pretty major trip with a man I was seriously dating.
We had a once in lifetime, though apparently some people have enough luck to have experienced it multiple times, experience to go on and all expenses paid trip to the Marlboro Ranch for five days and four nights. Being in Montana in January is an experience all to itself. When you add on the ranch and all that was included, it was definitely in the top five experiences of my lifetime.
By the start of 2014, I started a a new position at the company I was working at and participated in a few mud runs. I moved in with my boyfriend and was considering going back to college for business.
2015 greeted a completely different me. I lost my desk job, so my school plans got cancelled. I spent about five months soul searching on unemployment. I volunteered at a dog sheltered and eventually got a job at a dog kennel. In one day I became engaged and added a puppy to our household.
As 2016 rang in, I had started grooming dogs and was getting ready to start a new venture as a mobile pet groomer. Grooming had become a new passion for me.
Before 2017 started, we set a date for our wedding and managed to plan and execute said wedding in less than six months. It was everything I could have ever hoped for.
2018 left me a little battered and humbled. I went into a competition a little too confident and while, for my skill level, I did well enough, I certainly was out of my league. There was a lot of loss and it was all felt very deeply.
Now as we ring in 2019, I find myself once again very changed. I spent most of the year pregnant and shortly before Christmas I saw my daughter in person for the first time.
Life has most certainly changed since 2012 and I can only hope for the best.
So, this year is starting off with a bang. Quite a great deal has happened in in the six years since my last post. In May of 2012 I was living with my parents, single and working a desk job. By the start of 2013 I had met, been camping with, and was headed on a pretty major trip with a man I was seriously dating.
We had a once in lifetime, though apparently some people have enough luck to have experienced it multiple times, experience to go on and all expenses paid trip to the Marlboro Ranch for five days and four nights. Being in Montana in January is an experience all to itself. When you add on the ranch and all that was included, it was definitely in the top five experiences of my lifetime.
By the start of 2014, I started a a new position at the company I was working at and participated in a few mud runs. I moved in with my boyfriend and was considering going back to college for business.
2015 greeted a completely different me. I lost my desk job, so my school plans got cancelled. I spent about five months soul searching on unemployment. I volunteered at a dog sheltered and eventually got a job at a dog kennel. In one day I became engaged and added a puppy to our household.
As 2016 rang in, I had started grooming dogs and was getting ready to start a new venture as a mobile pet groomer. Grooming had become a new passion for me.
Before 2017 started, we set a date for our wedding and managed to plan and execute said wedding in less than six months. It was everything I could have ever hoped for.
2018 left me a little battered and humbled. I went into a competition a little too confident and while, for my skill level, I did well enough, I certainly was out of my league. There was a lot of loss and it was all felt very deeply.
Now as we ring in 2019, I find myself once again very changed. I spent most of the year pregnant and shortly before Christmas I saw my daughter in person for the first time.
Life has most certainly changed since 2012 and I can only hope for the best.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
It's Different When it Happens to You
I used to scoff at such a phrase. My mom would tell me this countless times and with such assurance, and I'd shake my head and say, "Well I'll never let it happen to me." Of course, when it did happen to me, it was different. I still can't completely sympathize with others. In this case I'm talking about someone breaking up with me. I can't seem to understand why some people will sulk for months over someone. I had a total of a whole hour where I felt destroyed. After a day I stopped crying about it. After a week, I just stopped thinking about it. Of course occasionally I'd look back on it and wonder what I did wrong. Now, as I look back on such things, I'm not bothered. Granted, you're bound to feel hurt that someone no longer wants to be in your presence for one reason or another; however, you need to take a step out of your box. When you're the happy one in the relationship, you're in a box. A box that filters the bad and allows you to see only what you love. Step out of the box and stop worrying about what you did wrong. Remind yourself that you deserve to have someone that wants to be with you and that you like for who they are.
It's not right to want to force someone to be with you. In the same point that you want them to be with you, they don't want to be with you. Why should you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
If a person doesn't want to be with you, but you want to be with them, you're not accepting them for who they are. You are merely see who they'd be if you changed them.
I suppose my way of thinking could be considered lazy, or quitting, but it has been my experience that the harder I try for something, the worse off it works out in the end.
It's not right to want to force someone to be with you. In the same point that you want them to be with you, they don't want to be with you. Why should you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
If a person doesn't want to be with you, but you want to be with them, you're not accepting them for who they are. You are merely see who they'd be if you changed them.
I suppose my way of thinking could be considered lazy, or quitting, but it has been my experience that the harder I try for something, the worse off it works out in the end.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Insomnia Part 1
Alright, so I have terrible insomnia. Considering that I'm supposed to be getting up early every morning, this is an awful thing. The more trouble I have getting to sleep, the more trouble I have waking up. Of course, once I'm asleep, staying asleep is never a problem. Lately I've gotten into eating before I go to sleep, which I know is bad for me, but I don't have that much of a choice. The plus side to it is that I tend to have some wicked interesting dreams.
Just the other night I had a dream that involved killer sea lions the traveled under the ground and could pop up from mud puddles. I couldn't help but think that it might make for an interesting story. Iron out some details for it and you got one creepy horror tale. Of course now I'm gonna come across a movie or a book somewhere that happens to be about just that. Oh well.
It's quite the trend for me to come up with story ideas. They pop up in my mind like daisies. Most of them I forget by the time I go to write them down. A lot of them are useless. Some of them at least get a plot on paper. Very few actually get a story started. I have only one story that I've actually finished. It was a project for creative writing. Unfortunately, the ending is rather rushed and kinda choppy. I've never been very good with endings. Normally I barely get halfway through a story before I give up. Lord knows I've made a large number of attempts at stories. All sorts of stories too. Fantasy, non-fantasy. Pretty much all of them love stories of course. You can always count on me to be the hopeless romantic.
Just the other night I had a dream that involved killer sea lions the traveled under the ground and could pop up from mud puddles. I couldn't help but think that it might make for an interesting story. Iron out some details for it and you got one creepy horror tale. Of course now I'm gonna come across a movie or a book somewhere that happens to be about just that. Oh well.
It's quite the trend for me to come up with story ideas. They pop up in my mind like daisies. Most of them I forget by the time I go to write them down. A lot of them are useless. Some of them at least get a plot on paper. Very few actually get a story started. I have only one story that I've actually finished. It was a project for creative writing. Unfortunately, the ending is rather rushed and kinda choppy. I've never been very good with endings. Normally I barely get halfway through a story before I give up. Lord knows I've made a large number of attempts at stories. All sorts of stories too. Fantasy, non-fantasy. Pretty much all of them love stories of course. You can always count on me to be the hopeless romantic.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Beliefs
I wasn't quite sure how to title this and for some reason, titling this before writing it almost seemed like it was defeating the purpose of my blog. Well, to be honest, this entry in general won't be as random as I promised. It has a general focus and since it's been on my mind for a bit I decided to get it down.
A coworker was talking recently about when he was talking to the reverend who picks up donations from our work and they had a talk about religion. I started wondering to myself what I might say when the subject would be brought up to me. Do I believe in Jesus Christ as my lord an savior? No, I don't. Why? Well, simply put, I don't know what I believe in. I feel strongly that God is just something that people believe in to make themselves feel safe I suppose. Maybe, safe isn't the correct word. Maybe instead it is a reassurance of why we're here. Why in fact? Well, God put us here. There is nothing else to it.
This is of course what brings up the opposition of evolution. The question here of why, being answered with because we are a strong race. We have evolved to become what we are and to be superior to our earlier counterparts which have long since died out. Do I believe this. Not entirely. I feel that this as well is a reassurance. Something for us to feel safe about. I feel that at some point, God will become as real as Zeus and that Evolution and Science will become the new God. Soon after that, something else, bigger, better, and greater than science will come to light and such a cycle will continue forth.
As "higher beings" we are constantly searching for an answer. The answer to life. Why are we here? Perhaps forty-two is the correct answer, and then again, perhaps it is not. For now, it's good enough for me. All I have to do, is keep believing that I exist and that this world exists. As spoken by Rene Descartes "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am."
A coworker was talking recently about when he was talking to the reverend who picks up donations from our work and they had a talk about religion. I started wondering to myself what I might say when the subject would be brought up to me. Do I believe in Jesus Christ as my lord an savior? No, I don't. Why? Well, simply put, I don't know what I believe in. I feel strongly that God is just something that people believe in to make themselves feel safe I suppose. Maybe, safe isn't the correct word. Maybe instead it is a reassurance of why we're here. Why in fact? Well, God put us here. There is nothing else to it.
This is of course what brings up the opposition of evolution. The question here of why, being answered with because we are a strong race. We have evolved to become what we are and to be superior to our earlier counterparts which have long since died out. Do I believe this. Not entirely. I feel that this as well is a reassurance. Something for us to feel safe about. I feel that at some point, God will become as real as Zeus and that Evolution and Science will become the new God. Soon after that, something else, bigger, better, and greater than science will come to light and such a cycle will continue forth.
As "higher beings" we are constantly searching for an answer. The answer to life. Why are we here? Perhaps forty-two is the correct answer, and then again, perhaps it is not. For now, it's good enough for me. All I have to do, is keep believing that I exist and that this world exists. As spoken by Rene Descartes "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
After Me
I'm Extremely afraid of spiders. I afraid to the point that I actually fear that they're out to get me. Ridiculous, I know, but I can't ban the thought from my mind. Yesterday in the shower, one tried to jump me and wound up on the wall near me. I pretended to let it live before I drowned the sucker like I do with any spider that so rudely drops in on me while I'm naked, vulnerable and showering. Then today, while I was cleaning horse stalls, one was headed my way so I shoveled him into the wheel barrel, and then another dropped down behind me three stalls later. I damn near had a heart attack when I turned and saw him. You know, I'd be just fine if they could just stay out of my sight.
I hate when things can't turn out right. You want it to go one way, you will it to go one way, and it completely ignores you and does whatever the hell it feels like. I had planned on hitting bed early tonight. Slip in around ten or ten thirty. I'm not asleep,and it's twelve forty-seven. This always happens though. I get my mind set on something and that something screws up everything else.
I'm too tired to go on. I'll post again...later today I hope. Again, I copyright all this and if you use it without my permission I will find you and sue you.
To all of you, any of you, if there's anyone, have a nice day,
Yours Truly.
I hate when things can't turn out right. You want it to go one way, you will it to go one way, and it completely ignores you and does whatever the hell it feels like. I had planned on hitting bed early tonight. Slip in around ten or ten thirty. I'm not asleep,and it's twelve forty-seven. This always happens though. I get my mind set on something and that something screws up everything else.
I'm too tired to go on. I'll post again...later today I hope. Again, I copyright all this and if you use it without my permission I will find you and sue you.
To all of you, any of you, if there's anyone, have a nice day,
Yours Truly.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The First Peek
I've always wanted to start a blog. I never knew what to write about though. I never thought I had anything good enough to say. This morning though, I was thinking, when I write out my thoughts on regular paper it doesn't help because I'm talking to myself and that's all I do anyway. So, in order to clear my head I have to talk to some one else. The problem with that is that I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words and talking face to face with others, not to mention I don't have a lot of friends that would understand, care, or listen to me. Often, what they're talking about doesn't always relate to what's rolling around in my head. So this is my way of talking to other people, and getting my thoughts down, whatever comes into my head, whenever it comes into my head.
So that's it for right now, short, but to the point, and now you know what this is all about. Here is my warning, the contents of my mind are scrambled and often very strange. At times I can ramble on none -sense. Many things are speculations, dreams, problems. I'll try to keep it at least pg-13, but no promises, and I am copyrighting this and if I see any of this used without my expressed permission, I can and will sue you, cause yes I am that desperate for the money.
So to all of you, any of you, if there's anyone:
Have a nice day, and enjoy the rest of your day.
Yours truly.
So that's it for right now, short, but to the point, and now you know what this is all about. Here is my warning, the contents of my mind are scrambled and often very strange. At times I can ramble on none -sense. Many things are speculations, dreams, problems. I'll try to keep it at least pg-13, but no promises, and I am copyrighting this and if I see any of this used without my expressed permission, I can and will sue you, cause yes I am that desperate for the money.
So to all of you, any of you, if there's anyone:
Have a nice day, and enjoy the rest of your day.
Yours truly.
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